Some thoughts

God sees the beginning to the end and i see only the here and now. God is in control of everything as long as i let Him be in control. Sometimes though it is so hard to trust Him with everything. I think i know what is best. But if i try to do my own thing, it wont work out well because once again i only see the here and now. I may think that my plans are what is best for me but i dont see what is going to happen 10 years from now. But God does. And He takes all that into account when He controls my life. So God's plans may not go with my plans. God has promised that He will never give me more than i can bare and He will never leave or forsake me. Currently i think i can hardly handle all that i have right now. But if the Lord allows something else to happen then i will know that He knows that i can handle it with Him helping me. He is in in the process of refining my character and making me into His likeness.

Sometimes i try to tell God what to do, and then i am so disappointed when it doesnt work out. But that isnt totally surrendering to God. That is my telling God that i know better than He does and He better mind me or else! Mark 14:36 says: "And He said, "Abba father, all things are possible for You. Take this cup away from Me; nevertheless, not what i will but what You will" I have really struggled with that this week. That is total surrender. That is totally trusting God with everything. That is giving it all to God and letting Him control everything. It was a real struggle to get to that point and tell God that I want only what He wants in my life. He knows what is best and i am going to trust Him to work it out. I have to pray that prayer often though because i keep taking things out of Gods hands and saying: "Look ye here God, i know what is best in this matter.... you didnt do this when you were on this earth and so you dont know how to deal with this. So now, i shall tell you how it should work out. " Sigh... doesnt work out too hot when you tell God what to do. The cool thing about God is that He doesnt argue with me, He just says " fine... you try that and see what happens." Ooops... it doesnt go so well... You would think that i would learn eventually... but i keep taking things out of God's hands and trying to do stuff on my own. Hence things dont always go so well for me and i end up with a lot of heartbreak and disappointment that i could avoid just by trusting that God is working things out for me. I seem to learn in the school of hard knocks a lot. rofl But hey...if it takes hard knocks to make me learn... then i will take whatever it takes to help me learn!

All the stress of trying to move out in 10 weeks and stuff with relationships have really driven me to realize that God is really the only one i can trust and that He truly is always there for me to talk to. When everything else is taken away from you and you realize that God is the only one there for you.... it really drives you to Him and deepens your relationship with Him.

When you spend time getting to know someone and sharing with them and getting into a relationship with them, you grow to love and care for that person. The same is true with God. The more time i spend with God talking to Him, sharing my thoughts and feelings, letting Him talk to me, the more close i will get to Him and the more He will mean to me.

Sheesh... i better quit blabbing here.